Palate for Style

I’ll be happier when I am skinny. I’ll buy that piece of clothing when I have lost 10 pounds. I’ll enjoy my vacation more when I have lost some weight. I’ll be more outgoing and confident when I don’t look like a potato. I’ll dress better when I can buy size 4 clothing. I’ll go hiking when I am not dying of breathlessness. I’ll try out the new gym class when I am not overweight.. I’ll enjoy food more when I am thinner..

In a nutshell,

I’ll start living my life once I am skinny enough / reach my ideal weight.

How many times have you stopped yourself from trying something new or just living because of your weight? I know I have. A million times.. 

For the longest time, I used my weight as an excuse/crutch. I strongly believed that somehow in future I was going to transform into a supermodel and everything would fall in place. *it’s another story that even after so many years I still don’t look like the ‘s’ of supermodel 🤦🏽‍♀️* *oh well I think I look like the ‘super’ of ‘supermodel’ 😎*. In my mind, my life held no value until I was a skinny woman. Also, if I did try something new and god forbid, failed at it, who else was to blame other than my weight? It’s a twisted way of thinking and anyone who has suffered from negative body image will relate to it.

So many of us put our dreams on hold because the mental image of how we are supposed to look does not match the actual reality. 

Since we have kind of established that my narcism levels are on an all time high 🙄, let me give you a sneak peak into how negative body image almost stopped me from enjoying two activities I absolutely love love..

Exhibit A-

I love hiking.  However, when I first started, I was a scared little mouse! 🐭 Scared of? Oh just the usual.. you know letting others down, people making fun of me, calling me fat and so on. How, why?  Well, I wasn’t the most fittest of the group and if I started huffing-puffing or slowing down the group, wouldn’t that be the most shameful and embarrassing thing ever? Wouldn’t my weight be responsible for this world changing event? So the logical solution for me to avoid this earth shattering situation was to never hike. You know just lock myself at home and eat ice-cream… 🙄 But but your girl rarely understands logic so she persisted.. And you know what, I am pretty darn good when it comes to hiking. Oh I still huff-puff, cry, fall down, curse Mr. M for pushing me but I keep going and always reach the finish line. I realized that my weight has nothing to do with what I can or cannot achieve. It’s all in the mind.. But looking like a monkey while hiking is for reals.. 💁🏻

Exhibit B-

I love dancing as much as I love Mr. M.. Maybe even more.*I am seriously questioning why Mr. M is still with me.. what with all the controversial statements I make. 🤷‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️”*. Even though my love for dancing is infinite, I rarely danced for almost 10 years of my life. Aren’t dancers  supposed to be thin/skinny and super fit? Since I was neither, I had to wait until I lost weight. Years passed and instead of losing, I gained weight. *now that’s shocking Monika. All you had was icecream and maybe some chips here and there 🤔*. Last year it dawned on me that I wasn’t growing any younger *still 18 folks* and who cares if I wasn’t skinny enough or flexible enough or delicate enough as the other dancers or that I was carrying some cookie weight around my waist.. Dancing lights up my soul and makes me feel alive ; reason enough to get back on stage. And that’s exactly what I did.. The first class was nerve racking. I was full of self-doubt, my heart was pounding and I tried to hide my ice-cream cum cookie cum potato chips body unsuccessfully. But the more I danced, the more confident I became and started realizing that I am alright for my level.. And even if I wasn’t, it’s totally fine. If something gives you immense happiness, just do it. Don’t wait for the ideal weight or time to get started.. Also, with time you are going to improve so give yourself permission to be a beginner.! *copyright infringement on it’s way! 🙈*

Since I want to make this little space of mine even more personal *yeah talking about period, dog poop, body image isn’t personal enough 🤦🏽‍♀️*, here’s a small video of our dance performance from the last quarter. I joined  the beginner’s group at Mona Khan dance company and we all had such a blast learning new routines.. Everyone in the class enjoyed themselves irrespective of how ‘good’ or not they were. And that’s exactly what dancing is all about! 

Somedays I still use my weight as an excuse but it’s gotten a lot better. 💃🏽 If you are on the same boat, oh my darling don’t let a number define you. That number is not worth crying over.. that number is not who you are.. that number is not what you are capable of.. that number is not your permission slip to dream and that number is definitely not worth stopping yourself from living. 

Go out, explore, dance, wear a bikini, jump, run, laugh, eat, celebrate.. without waiting for a certain number to show up on the weighing machine. 

I really hope you enjoyed reading this post. Have a wonderful weekend and thank you so so much for stopping by.. – Love, M ❤️